someting funny

[Tao]

heh. nice.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Taz, I read this and thought about you talking about "breaking the camel's back":


There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Blonde moment:


A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[ethrstorm]

The Hitmen

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob.
He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected
over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house.
Since
the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his
brother
said.

Hitman: "Where is the money?"
Accountant signs that he does not know ..
Brother: "He said he does not know".

Hitman: Tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids,
burn down your house, and castrate you!
The Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is
in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the
combination.

Hitman: "What did he say?"
Brother: "You don't have the guts!"
_________________
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. <---Instructions found on a brain washing machine.

[ethrstorm]

Women

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his
second
drink and said,

"What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said.

"The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that
later
on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender.

"But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well," Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her
Mother.
Now she won't even speak to me."
_________________
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. <---Instructions found on a brain washing machine.

[Tao]

For all those people who try to listen in on other people's conversations when they needs to mind their own business:


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."


Tao
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

MY GIRLFRIEND

She rubs my feet even when they stink
She cleans the dishes that I leave in the sink
When we go out she drives so I can drink
She's my girlfriend

She folds the laundry she mops the floor
She doesn't care that I'm a slob she doesn't care that I'm poor
She drools in her sleep, but at least she doesn't snore
She's my girlfriend

She's really pretty and she's really smart
She doesn't get grossed out when I burp and I fart
She's kinda bitchy when she's PMS,
But I don't mind cause she's got really big breasts.

She's my girlfriend
She's got a nice rear end.
She gives me money to spend
She's my girlfriend.

It's easy to see why I love her like I do
She says I've got a big one and I know that's not true.
Plus she makes a lot more money than I do.
She's my girlfriend.

She buys the groceries, she makes the bed.
We're living together even though we're not wed
She scratches my back she gives good head…rubs,
She's my girlfriend

She's never angry and she's never rude
When it gets really hot she likes to walk around nude
She laughs at my jokes even though they're really corny.
When I blow in her ear it makes her kinda horny!

She's my girlfriend
She's a perfect ten
She used to be a lesbian,
She's my girlfriend

She says I'm handsome and I'm debonair
She's into football. She shaves down there.
She makes my palms sweat and my heart palpitate.
She gave it up on the very first date.

She's my Girlfriend. She's got a sweet ass!!!
I'll love her to the end She's my girlfriend.
Yeah, I'll love her to the end she's my girlfriend.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[ethrstorm]

2. Unrealized Benefits of Exercise


Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost
a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump
right out of my glass.
_________________
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. <---Instructions found on a brain washing machine.

[ethrstorm]

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is
on the back of the milk carton
_________________
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. <---Instructions found on a brain washing machine.

[ethrstorm]

2. GM vs. Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like
the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that
got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine, or buy an update transmission.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads, only on Tuesdays.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light. Please call your cars vendor.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. If
you moved the Shift lever to drive, it would ask, "Are you sure?"

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the previous car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Turn the key to the off position to "START." The next version or
release would require that you would have to Press the AC button
simultaneously with the trip mileage reset, and clock hour set button
to reset the display of Park, Drive and Reverse.
_________________
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. <---Instructions found on a brain washing machine.

[ethrstorm]

Texas Boots

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when
the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried
when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her
cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on
the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather
than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like
she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up
the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet
again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

**** Her trial starts next month. ****
_________________
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. <---Instructions found on a brain washing machine.