someting funny

[Tao]

Warning - Lock Your Doors!

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

An Ottawa man was found in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Samurai drug smugglers
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Lick or Be Licked

[soundless]

for someone who had that much loose cocaine up his butt, he sure isn't frothing like i would expect.

asian tv scares me so much.
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A bright-eyed Thekko Ku Kalla dressed in a dapper sailor suit takes to flight and careers through the air toward the Modan Kucho and slams into him!
With a high-pitched cry, The Modan Kucho collapses in death.

[Tao]

Real woman (NSFW)
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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Monkey love interupted (mature language used)
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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

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Lick or Be Licked

[Alarah Aesheona]

I had to post this because I got the biggest kick out of it, and because honestly...I'm still not sure what the hell happened. Stay away from my brains, Tkiro! LOL

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[Llanfair Financial Centre, Vault Room]
As the curtain closes behind you, it seems to silence the voices and buzzing machinery in the main room. Three steel walls of small numbered doors surround you.

You also see a trash bin, Katie and a jeweled chest.
You notice an exit leading out.
>
You ponder.
>
Alarah Aesheona stares at Katie.

You ask, "...Who are you?"

You ask, "And...what are you doing in my vault room?"

Alarah Aesheona looks confused.

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Uhm...someone explain how I got a visitor in my vault room?
>
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: visitor?

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Uhm...Katie?
>
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: i didn't think it was possible to have visitor there.

You fidget nervously.

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Me neither...
>
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: that's pretty creepy.
>
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: is she asleep in there?
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Hence my confusion...and yes, I'm very creeped out. Yes, she won't speak to me.

[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: can you open your vault?

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Yes...
>
>You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: And everything *appears* to be in it.
>
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: eesh that's not good i'd find a god and get that fixed, i think it's evil magic attacking you.
>
You shriek loudly!
>
Tkiro Vahn suddenly appears from thin air!
You blink.


[Llanfair Financial Centre, Vault Room]
As the curtain closes behind you, it seems to silence the voices and buzzing machinery in the main room. Three steel walls of small numbered doors surround you.

You also see a trash bin, Katie and a jeweled chest.
Also here is Slacker Tkiro Vahn.
You notice an exit leading out.
>
Tkiro Vahn says, "Hrm."
>'
You say, "Oh gods...more visitors."
>
Tkiro Vahn grins at you.

>You wobble slightly.
>
Tkiro Vahn says, "Just trying to figure this one out."
>
You say, "Mmmhhmm."
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: My vault is haunted!
>
A shiver runs up your spine.
>
[COMM][0](Inaira S'real) - grrrrr
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: i'm gonna go see my vault to see if it's haunted too.

>
Tkiro Vahn says, "Weeeeeird."
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Yes you should, I have weird people in here.
>
You agree!
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: This one talks though!
>
You grin at Tkiro Vahn.
>
[COMM][0](Inaira S'real) - It'd only happen to Alarah.
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: I know!
>
[Telepathy] (close) Lacee Ryvers projects: laughs.
>
You mutter to yourself.
>
Tkiro Vahn says, "Well, I've got her, now."
>'
You ask, "Uhm, make sure she didn't take my stuff, K?"
>
You fully recover your inner focus.
>
You nod to Tkiro Vahn.
>
Tkiro Vahn grunts in agreement with you.
>
You say, "She's creepy."
>l tk
[COMM][0](Inaira S'real) - Lacee didn't get haunted.
>

You see Slacker Tkiro Vahn, a Darju Mercenary.
He has radiant celadon eyes and a dark blue complexion marked with frosty white streaks.
He has long wild charcoal black hair.
He has a chiseled face.
He has a muscular build.
He stands about 9' 10" tall, and seems to be timeless for a Darju.
He appears to be feeling confused and sleepy.

He is holding Katie in his right hand and nothing in the left.
He is wearing a battered leather collar, a pair of thick-soled work boots, a smudge of deep purple lipstick, some black leather pants, a h'zarh'l bracer, a worn brown leather forger's belt laden with assorted tools, a portable wardrobe, a sun-faded brown belt loop with a massive forging hammer secured inside it, a smoke-stained leather forging apron, a muted black sniper rifle fitted with a sleek black stock, and a patchwork crest.
>
Tkiro Vahn exclaims, "She is!"
>
Tkiro Vahn says, "I'm creepier."
>
>
Alarah Aesheona sighs with relief.
>
A gibbering mob of demons runs in and rips Tkiro Vahn apart in a bloody mess of gore and torn flesh. They run out as quickly as they came, one burping contentedly.

You scream!
>
You go out.

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: There was demons!
>
Inaira S'real grins.
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: In my VAULT.
Lacee Ryvers grins.

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: They ate that guy!
>
Inaira S'real asks, "What'd they say?"
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "That's like waking up in a locked house and finding a stranger."
Lacee Ryvers shivers.
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: And he took the Katie person who was mute!
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: I think she was hiding from him, he was scary too!
>
>
Lacee Ryvers grins.

You fidget nervously.
You say, "They didn't eat me though."
You pace back and forth.
>
Lacee Ryvers rubs you gently.
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: They burped too. I'm never going in my vault again.
Lacee Ryvers laughs at you!
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "You attract evil magic."

[COMM][0](Inaira S'real) - I'm not going in my vault, and I can pretend I'm haunted like Alarah.
>
>
You pace back and forth.
>
You say, "They ate Tkiro."
>
Lacee Ryvers hands Alarah a rifle.
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "Go armed."
>
You say, "I saw him all bloodied up."
>
Inaira S'real says, "There."
>
You shudder.
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: LISTEN you demons! I have a BOW and I'm going back in for the little bone pieces of what's left of Tkiro and Katie. Even though they're creepy.
>
You fidget nervously.
>
You get a finely-engineered saifbraelsh and drachna heavy crossbow from a black suede thigh sheath with silver star studs.
>
[Telepathy] (infinite) Morrigan Blackfury projects: just thank your lucky stars it wasn't zombies.
You blink.
>
Lacee Ryvers exclaims, "Ha now it will be fixed!"
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: ZOMBIES stay away too.

You pet a finely-engineered saifbraelsh and drachna heavy crossbow affectionately.
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "Let morrigan go in."
>
Inaira S'real ponders.
>
[Telepathy] (infinite) Tkiro Vahn projects: I'm fine. Katie's...well. Same as before.

You scream!
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "Oh he's here too."
>
Lacee Ryvers grins at Inaira S'real.

You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: I saw you die!
>
[Telepathy] (infinite) Morrigan Blackfury projects: he's now a zombie.

You shriek loudly!
>
Lacee Ryvers exclaims, "Wow!"
>
[Telepathy] (infinite) Tkiro Vahn projects: Braaaaainssss.
>
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: Oh noo...he was trying to help me and he became an evil zombie...this is going to be on my conscience forever now.
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "K."

You wobble slightly.
>
Lacee Ryvers exclaims, "Well never a dull moment!"
>
Lacee Ryvers grins.
You wobble slightly.
>
Lacee Ryvers says, "I'll be all weirded out now checking safe all day."
You project your thoughts.
[Telepathy] (close) Alarah Aesheona projects: And now Tkiro is going to starve for lack of brains around here. *sigh*.
>
Lacee Ryvers laughs!
>

[Tao]

10 Zen Monkeys - 5 Best Videos: Animals Attacking Reporters
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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A Man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very
difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there
wasn’t a male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby
Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning
the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little
sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a femaleof any
species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee
was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest,
but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under four conditions.

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated "You gotta give me another
week to come up with the $500.00."
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Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
own the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your evolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month"
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
shove her boyfriend's boys into a George Foreman Grill just because he
told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, all you people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad,
and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a
Happy Period." Are you freaking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer"
or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending "BS". And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Best Wishes,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[soundless]

Kermit singing Hurt

so creepy-sounding and probably even more sad than when Cash sang it.

NSFW too if your job apparently is all "anti-kermit wackin it off screen to miss piggie's boob"
_________________
A bright-eyed Thekko Ku Kalla dressed in a dapper sailor suit takes to flight and careers through the air toward the Modan Kucho and slams into him!
With a high-pitched cry, The Modan Kucho collapses in death.

[Tao]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of
April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a
warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some
30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt
that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and
told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him,
the little bastard.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Will and Pearl the Landlord
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Lick or Be Licked